"Let not your senses deceive, for even as the tempest may howl, just beyond
it lies a serenity that could not otherwise find you."

How apropos for my situation at the moment. Life is full of change at the
moment; hence my absence from zaadz. I arrived in California on Saturday evening, moved into my apartment on Sunday and have been busy unpacking. For a while there, it seemed like my apartment threw up all over the place. Now there's only vomit in my living room. I'm adjusting to smaller living quarters.

Garbie, my fish is doing well. He made it across 6 states in the car!! What
a trooper!

There are times when it's very surreal. I wake up and there are mountains on
either side of my window apartment and palm trees everywhere. The weather
here is extraordinary, warm in the day and cool at night. That's one thing I
don't miss about Nebraska, the heat and humidity.

I think I'm getting too old to be moving around. It's been lonely at times,
terrifying and frustrating, and exciting. For the most part, I think I'm just really tired. I just need to remember that what doesn't get done today can wait for
tomorrow. Patience. Not my strongest virtue.

Well, I defended my dissertation yesterday. I passed. It seems surreal still. I'm still revelling in the feeling of relief and happiness.

I know that this endeavour would not have been possible without the support and love of so many people. I have an enormous sense of gratitude at the moment for everyone in my life, including you. I feel very blessed and so I share this blessing with all of you who come across this blog. Bright blessings everyone!

This was sent to me by a friend. What small steps are taken to achieve freedom for us all.
************************
This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Very disturbed by this, she called the hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man. I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm plase," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is availbale."

The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued, "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class; however, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

She turned to the man and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage. A seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers who had been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.

Letting go

To be awake in each moment....and finish my discussion chapter of my dissertation!

I've not blogged a lot recently or trolled around the zaadz corridors. My apologies for not keeping up with everyone.

I had a great yoga class last night. I've been going to this one person who I have felt a great attraction toward. She has a lot of wisdom and compassion. It's wonderful to meet a teacher who has these qualities, especially here in Lincoln (no offense to Lincolnites).

We've been practicing a lot on staying present. There are four emotions that I tend to have: hope, fear, regret, and attachment. Hope and fear are emotions I experience when I am living in the future. Regret and attachment are emotions I experience when I live in the past. It would seem so easy to stay present but it's a constant struggle, especially during these months of change that are occuring in my life. Those glimpses of emptiness or vastness are ever so short.

Well, it's decided. I accepted the position and am moving to California in a few months. They offered me something that was acceptable and within the range I was wanting. I am excited about the changes that are upcoming.

Thank you to everyone who stopped by and commented on my dilemma blog. Sandra made a great comment in my previous blog about the lessons of her friend. I fully agree. I think this process has really taught me a lot about living in integrity and authenticity. The job and the money were peripheral to this experience. This was an opportunity to put into practice what I have been integrating into my life over the past year, to stand in my own power and as Jeremiah says, to live in integrity with my Self.

A friend of mine reminded me of the difference between being kind and being nice. I think that most of my life has been to try to be a nice person. I am now learning the difference between these two words. He said, "Kind is the actualization of Truth". I agree with this. I realise that the truth is different for everyone but the universal Truth is always there for us to tap into. What I have learned in all of this is to trust in my intention to live in Truth.

So the job saga continues...I have been offered a position by another university. Yeah! I'm excited about this opportunity. The down side of things is that the salary they offered me doesn't take into consideration the cost of living or the experience I have. I will counter their offer but there is a part of me that is in a bit of a dilemna about all of this: I know I can make a valuable contribution to the department and to the field I'm in BUT does asking for more money seem to be too greedy and opportunistic? I have this do-gooder personality in me that says "It doesn't matter, as long as you do good for other people". Then there's another part of me that says, "but what about doing good for yourself?"

I would love to hear people's opinions about this. And as a side note, I just wish the job process was a lot easier!

Also, if anyone has any tips on how to negotiate, I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

As some of you know, I've been on the job curcuit for a couple months now. I'll be graduating this summer and am looking for a faculty position for the fall. Yesterday, I got another letter of rejection. Actually, this was a really nice letter. The search committee chair was kind enough to send me an email explaining the decision. The department's decision to hire me was over-turned by the Provost of the university because of a technicality. This is really unusual as the department and dean's decision are rarely questioned. I am disappointed but in the end, I know that everything will work out. It always does. It's hard not to get discouraged though, partly because of the expectations I've had about finding a position. I've been told that there is a shortage of Ph.D. students in the field and that there is an exodus of professors. None of this is to my advantage at the moment. There's still another school I'm waiting to hear from so I've not given up. As my mom says, the gods want me somewhere else.

I am learning a lot right now.  I’m cultivating more patience lately. I think walking to school each day is good for me. it gives me the time to listen to the dharma talks and carry the messages throughout the day. Yes, there are still moments when I have expectations. I suppose that is normal.

What I’ve been learning lately is that all of me is okay. I used to think that I was really different from everyone, having all these different parts and emotions stir up when something happens, feeling a mix of emotions like equanimity and jealousy at the same time. Yet, I’m learning that all of this is okay.

The dharma talk I was listening to this morning was titled "Good Enough". The phrase that caught me was: Good enough is good enough. I don't have to push it. So true.

Everything happens in cycles, moment to moment.

Good morning! I sometimes think that my best thoughts are when I'm in the shower. My friend Dave would say that this is another indication of how water plays in my life. Anyway, I was reflecting on this community here at Zaadz. I am truly amazed at the openness and the warm hearts that are here. I blogged about recommendations for places to stay in San Jose a couple days ago. I sheepishly deleted the blog because it didn't fit with my purpose in blogging. Regardless, I received emails from people who read the team blog (thanks to Siona for posting it there) and offered their places for me to stay. I truly thank them from the bottom of my heart. I am touched and as an added bonus, I have made some new friends!

I remember when I first signed on board, almost a year in April. I was going through a difficult time in my life and was searching for some solace. I found that in this community. Over time, there were friendships developed that helped me on my healing path. I was enthusiastic to sign in each day to communicate with my friends and check out new blogs and new peeps. Zaadz has developed over the past year in many wonderful ways but my enthusiasm waned, especially in the past couple months. I think it might have to do with the season; I was retreating into myself. I had even contemplated leaving this community but thought I'd just wade it out. I'm glad I did. I realised this morning that I really love this community. I don't mean the giddy love that I had when I first signed on but just love without expectations or conditions. I guess it's like developing a relationship or friendship. When the initial attraction with its roller coster full of emotions subsides, there is this deeper sense of communion. That's what I've found here. I am no longer seeking solace but true connections with people.